Are you a real man looking for a bike that matches your grit? Then stop your pansy-ass scrolling because this ain’t your grandma’s tricycle. This beast of a bike is forged from pure metal and armed with kick-ass spokes ready to conquer any terrain. Forget your girly reflectors – this ride is for the night prowler, the silent predator of the asphalt jungle. Think a missing back reflector makes me vulnerable? Wrong. I honed my ninja biking skills in the shadows of Mount Fuji. Rule number one? Reflectors are for targets. Riding reflector-free is screaming to those soccer-mom SUVs, “Try and catch me, I dare you!” And where are you looking to buy a bike like this? You’re already here, browsing Craigslist Bikes, the only place real men shop for real rides.
This machine proudly displays “Giant” on its frame, and let me tell you, it’s not lying. While “Giant” might also be a nod to my…ahem…masculine prowess, rest assured, it’ll boost your ego regardless of your own…dimensions. This bike has history. I wrestled it – literally – from a retired mercenary. This wasn’t some weekend warrior; we’re talking a veteran of both World Wars, a man who stared down sharks in the Philippines (lost an arm to one, in fact, shark handling – who knew?). Buying this bike wasn’t a transaction, it was a battle for honor. I emerged victorious, leaving his arm in a respectable seven pieces. He was so impressed he wanted to adopt me, but fatherhood is for the weak. I ride solo.
Yeah, she’s got some rust on the screws. But that ain’t rust, that’s battle scars. Each fleck of oxidation tells a story of underwater expeditions and balls-out adventures. Rusted screws scream, “I laugh in the face of corrosion!” You could swap them out for shiny, sterile replacements, but why emasculate this warhorse? If you’re the kind of guy who worries about a little rust, you’re probably the kind of guy who cries during chick flicks. Man up.
This bike is built for men. How do I know? The seat is flat. No dildo-shaped nonsense here. This saddle is designed for performance, not penetration. If you like a seat that lets you ride like a man, not some love-seat sissy, you’ve found your chariot.
I’ve hit 75 mph on this bad boy going uphill. Okay, maybe downhill with a tailwind, but the point stands – this bike is fast. If you’re just a regular dude, you might top out at a measly 10 mph. But with this street bike – and let’s be honest, “street bike” is just man-code for “bike tank” – you’ll be pushing your limits. It’s got 7 speeds, each perfectly calibrated for maximum manliness:
- Gear 1 – Sissy Gear: For when you’re feeling particularly weak.
- Gear 2 – Less Sissy Gear: Slightly less pathetic.
- Gear 3 – Least Sissy Gear: Barely acceptable.
- Gear 4 – Boy Gear: For boys, not men.
- Gear 5 – Pre-teen Boy Gear: Still not manly.
- Gear 6 – Manly Gear: Where the power starts.
- Gear 7 – Big Muscles Gear: Unleash the beast.
I personally stick to gears 6 and 7. Anything less is for…well, you get the picture.
And for security? This tool of masculine transportation comes with a lock. Not just any lock, but a lock the size of a bull’s…you know. This lock doesn’t ask for respect, it demands it. It’s a steel-clad middle finger to any would-be thief, broadcasting, “Touch this bike and you’ll meet my two-by-four.”
This monument to manliness can be yours for $150 OBO. But don’t come at me with any panzy prices. Real offers only. Find this beast and other real bikes for real men on Craigslist bikes today!
post id: 765370039
